It's been a long time since I've journaled, but I feel particularly compelled by all the discussion surrounding parenting that's been on the web, especially as the main article of discussion was about "traditional Asian parenting."  I've had many years since leaving home for college to reflect on my childhood and the ways I was parented.  If you were to read through my blogs from college, I would guess the majority of them at least touched on my relationship with my parents, and at least for the first 2 years, weren't very positive.  I left for college feeling that my parents didn't understand me, that they pushed me too hard in school and extra-curriculars, that their expectations were unreasonable, and that I was only too glad to escape.

BCF was instrumental to my forgiveness of my parents for all the ways I thought they had wronged me with their outrageous expectations and condemnation of anything short of perfection.  It was only through this process of forgiveness that I believe I can write this entry today without any sense of bitterness and resentment.  Whether or not there was truth in whether my parents needed forgiving for their actions was not the point.  The forgiveness released a new freedom in ME.  I experienced an ability to love and communicate in ways I never had before - I believe at the time I said that I had become a different person, but now I know that I was really just becoming more the person God had created me to be all along.

From that time on, my relationship with my parents has been ever-growing.  No, it's still not perfect, it's definitely not like Kristy's (whose parents support her every decision and are her best friends), but I dare say we have a healthy, functional relationship now.  My parents and I can communicate about decisions I'm making in my life, they are more supportive now even when I make decisions they don't agree with, they are more accepting of ways that I struggle or fail, and we've all become more open about our thoughts and feelings.

And that leads me to my point I suppose.  As much as my parents were similar in their expectation of perfection as Amy Chua, and as much as I had serious issues to work through upon starting college, I still very much appreciate much of how my parents raised me.  I think my parents expecting the best from me helped me to be some who is self-motivated, has high expectations for myself and others, and is proficient in many areas (not just limited to music and academics).  I greatly appreciate all the music lessons, the sports lessons, the academic tutoring...I really don't think I'd be the same person without all of that.  I see how all kids, not just some kids, all kids need someone to believe in them.  And even if it came off badly at points, seemed like it was just berating and yelling, my parents expected my best, and they knew that what I thought was my best wasn't always my actual best yet.  I still wish they could've expressed that differently, or perhaps communicated that clearly, but nevertheless, clearly I've learned that lesson and expect the same of the kids I work with.

But where my parents differ from Chua, and of which I'm even more grateful, is that my parents saw the value of developing my EQ as well.  They did send me to summer camps (yes, some of them were those academic nerdy camps too), sleepovers, they encouraged playdates and sleepovers and parties, and for the most part enjoyed hosting my friends.  They understood that learning to navigate socially, developing groups of good friends, that was important.  And learning how to do a host of things that would help me as an adult were important as well - i.e. doing my own laundry, changing a flat tire, doing basic house maintenance, etc.

My parents weren't perfect parents, and at this point in our relationship, they will be the first to admit that.  They're human.  I think in our bitterness and resentment, we can forget that they are imperfect too.  My parents didn't work with kids before they had me.  They had no prior training - talk about being thrown into the fire.  They tried to adjust and make things work, but when they didn't know what to do, they fell back on what their parents did, whether that was good or bad.  But they have tried to grow and change, and maybe that took longer than I would've hoped, but it's happening, and our current relationship is a reflection of that.

So here's the lessons that I learn from my examination of my parents as well as myself.
1) We need to have grace for our parents.  They are human and fallible.  In the ways that we feel we were wronged, we must forgive them because without that forgiveness, we will grow to become bitter and resentful.  But if we can forgive and view the relationship objectively, typically we'll be able to see all the good stuff they did for us.  In the end, how we view our childhood is on us.  There's nothing anyone can do to change what happened, but we can help make the present and future with our parents better.

2) We need to become people who are self-reflective.  The reason so many of us become like our parents is because we don't sit down and really reflect on what we saw in our parents and what we see reflected in ourselves.  If there are things we disagree with, then we have an opportunity to grow in those areas.  Without reflection, we simply become an emotional reaction to our parents.

3) Working with kids (in a structured, consistent setting) prior to having kids is the best way to train to become parents.  It's then that we learn our natural tendencies and can remedy problem areas before we have our own kids.  There's nothing like first-hand experience!

4) Every child is different.  To think that we can even have the same parenting styles for all of our kids is unrealistic.  Sure, there's some common ground, but the best parents are those who see their children as individuals who need different things.  We don't interact with our friends all in the same way, so why do we think our kids would be any different?

In the end, whether we're talking about us being the child or the parent, we need Jesus.  We need Jesus to come in and heal the broken parts of our relationships, and we need Jesus to give us wisdom about how to continue growing our relationships.